Money (and the season when I stopped chasing it)
There was a time when I thought wealth would fix things.
Not just financially — emotionally.
I believed that once I had enough money, something inside me would finally settle.
That I’d feel safer.
More confident.
More at ease.
So I chased it — sometimes quietly, sometimes desperately.
What I didn’t understand back then
I thought wanting “more” meant wanting money.
What I really wanted was:
- room to breathe
- fewer worries
- the ability to say no
- time that felt like my own
Money was just the symbol I used for those things.
And until I understood that, nothing really changed.
Defining wealth for myself (not for the internet)
At some point, I stopped asking:
“How do I become wealthy?”
And started asking:
“What would feel like enough?”
That question was uncomfortable at first.
Because it didn’t come with clear numbers.
It came with honesty.
Enough meant:
- stability
- fewer sleepless nights
- choices
- not constantly proving anything
Once I saw that, the pressure softened.
Organization came after clarity
I used to try to get organised before I knew what I was organising for.
That never worked.
Things only started to make sense when I had a clearer relationship with what I wanted — and what I didn’t.
Plans became simpler.
Steps became smaller.
Progress became quieter.
But it was real.
Action without urgency
I’ve learned this the slow way:
Action matters.
But urgency often doesn’t.
The most sustainable progress I’ve made came from doing small, boring things consistently — not from big pushes or dramatic decisions.
Momentum didn’t come from motivation.
It came from trust.
Trust that small steps count.
Trust that detours don’t mean failure.
Trust that pace matters more than speed.
Motivation changed shape
There were periods where motivation disappeared completely.
Not because I was lazy.
But because I was tired of chasing the wrong version of success.
When motivation returned, it looked different.
Less fire.
More steadiness.
And that steadiness carried me further than hype ever did.
Where I stand with money today
I don’t think money is bad.
I don’t think it’s everything.
I think it’s a tool — and like most tools, it works best when you know why you’re using it.
For me, wealth now means:
- enough
- calm
- choice
- not living in constant tension
That definition won’t impress anyone.
But it lets me sleep at night.
And that matters more.
