Forgiveness (when letting go was for me, not them)
For a long time, I thought forgiveness meant something it didn’t.
I thought it meant:
- saying what happened was okay
- pretending it didn’t hurt
- letting someone off the hook
So I avoided it.
Growing up, I carried a lot of anger.
Some of it obvious.
Some of it quiet.
And honestly — part of me thought holding onto it kept me safe.
What holding on actually did
Over time, I noticed something uncomfortable.
The people I was angry at weren’t thinking about me.
They’d moved on.
But I hadn’t.
The anger stayed active.
It replayed moments.
It drained energy.
It shaped my mood more than I realised.
Not because I wanted it to — but because I hadn’t let it go.
The shift in how I saw forgiveness
The moment things changed was when I stopped thinking about forgiveness as something you do for someone else.
I started seeing it as something you do for yourself.
Not to excuse.
Not to forget.
Not to reconnect.
Just to stop carrying what no longer belonged in my body.
Forgiveness didn’t happen all at once
I didn’t wake up one day and feel free.
It came in pieces.
Some days I’d feel lighter.
Other days the old resentment came back.
When it did, I stopped fighting it.
I just noticed it.
And then I asked:
“Is this helping me right now?”
Most of the time, the answer was no.
That question alone softened things.
Compassion came later
People often talk about compassion as a starting point.
For me, it wasn’t.
First came honesty.
Then distance.
Then boundaries.
Only much later did compassion show up — quietly.
Not as understanding.
Not as agreement.
Just as recognition that hurt people often hurt others.
That didn’t excuse anything.
But it helped me stop carrying it.
Letting go was practical, not spiritual
Letting go wasn’t a ceremony.
It wasn’t a mindset.
It wasn’t visualisation.
It was repetitive.
Each time the past showed up, I chose the present instead.
Not dramatically.
Just deliberately.
Sometimes that meant a walk.
Sometimes it meant breathing.
Sometimes it meant doing nothing and letting the feeling pass.
What forgiveness gave me
Forgiveness didn’t make me peaceful all the time.
But it gave me:
- more space
- more energy
- fewer emotional loops
And that was enough.
It didn’t change the past.
It changed how much the past followed me.
Where I stand with forgiveness today
I don’t believe forgiveness is mandatory.
I don’t believe it’s fast.
And I don’t believe it looks the same for everyone.
For me, it became less about forgiving others —
and more about no longer punishing myself.
That was the real freedom.
